Now!

Whoops. It's July...and my last post was in April. I've been neglecting this again.

*Deep inhale* Okay! *Cracks knuckles* Let's do this...

Since the Fourth of July is nearly upon us, I feel now is as good a time as any to talk about my own independence and share something I did a few weeks ago.

Kayaked. Oh yeah. Me...full figured, self-conscious, aquatically challenged EMILY got into a kayak and propelled herself upstream.

And. I. Didn't. DIE!

Okay, I didn't go very far, but the distance I went was upstream (at first, obviously I had to come DOWN stream to return to my loved ones) and absolutely exhilarating. This may sound silly to people who live around me and have grown up on the river and don't think twice about getting in a one-man boat and rowing down the Allegheny, but it was--in case you couldn't tell--a huge deal to me.

Here's why:

A.) I was terrified. I am NOT a strong swimmer. After a near-drowning incident when I was four (thanks again for pulling me out, Dad!) I've stuck to the shallow end of the pool/lake/ocean, where my feet can touch. I could probably doggy-paddle to save my own life if things were really dire (and rescue was 20 feet away) but I wouldn't put money on it.

B.) I was doubting myself. I am NOT an athletic human being. Never have been, probably never will be. Doesn't mean I don't try...I just know that nothing physical I do comes easily to me. Which, I choose to see as a good thing. To me, that means that if I really want to be good at something, it's because I KNOW I enjoy it and usually that means I work harder. Yay me!

C.) I was self-conscious. I always thought I was too fat. Kayaking seemed like something impossibly tan, blonde, skinny people did to get between mountains they were going to repel down while laughing and not ever breaking a sweat. (No, really, that's the image in my head!) Actually, the idea of me being in a canoe or kayaking always conjured up this image from Shallow Hal:

It was one of those things that I filed away in my "When I'm thinner" folder and thought of longingly without ever really thinking I'd be able to do.

Stupid, right? But when I look back at my little soulful journey that began in October, I am beginning to realize that there were a lot more things in that folder than I'd like to admit. Thankfully, I'm pretty sure that everyone does that. "I'll be happier when I'm thinner." "I'll like photos of myself when I'm thinner." "I'll be more confident when I'm thinner" "I'll buy that dress when I'm thinner." Sound familiar? Yes, it does. Don't lie.

Also thankfully, there is nothing that is preventing me (or you!) from taking a big Sharpie--in purple ink, obviously--to that folder and writing "RIGHT NOW" over top of its old label.

Be happy now! Like photos of yourself now! Be confident in your own sexiness now!! Buy that dress now! (And get it in YOUR size! Not the size you wish you were!) Doesn't that sound like a fuller, more satisfying way to live?

Yeah, yeah, I know. Not that easy. But it's definitely something to think about, right?

And sometimes, embarking on the "Right Now!" train of thought is not something you can start yourself. Sometimes, you have to say something out loud and see if the universe sends you some help.

In my case, the universe sent me Trina. Who is loud and lovely and fearless and a little bit crazy and who rarely looks back.

We were at our bi-weekly barbecue at our river dwelling, kayak-stocked, magic man friend John's two weeks ago, thinking about packing up to leave. There were kids playing with boats in the river, paddling out to the middle of the river and back and, casually, almost to myself, I said, "I want to do that someday."

"What?" asked Trina, cocking her head in my direction.

I pointed to the kayaks. "That. I want to learn to kayak someday."

"Someday?" She looked around. "What's stopping you? C'mon, we're getting you in a kayak!" And before I could even protest any of my Darn Good Reasons (see above) for not being able to do it, she had pulled out a boat for me, instructed me on how to get in it, handed me an oar, and told Josh (resident expert) to teach me to use it.

Yes, we hit some snags at first. And no, I certainly won't be winning any races anytime soon. But I did it. I took something out of my "When I'm thinner" folder and I did it right then and there. I can't remember the last time I felt so genuinely, truly thrilled and proud and surprised at myself.

So, dear readers (if there are any of you left in between all of my absences!!) here is my challenge to you: Do something this summer to surprise yourself. Be bold, be adventurous, and above all else, STOP WAITING TO START LIVING!

It was just a small step into that little boat, but a big step for me.

Forever Curvy,

Emry